Christ-like Charity in Our Marraiges

Charity

Why should we have christ-like charity especially in our marriages? In the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard he says "The natural man is likely to find that resentment and vindictiveness come more easily than charity. More than we realize, those negative reaactions are a choice- a choice to see in a human, judgemental way. But we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other." (Goddard, 2009, pg 114). Dr. Goddard quotes Marvin J. Ashton "Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someones difference's, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down." (Goddard, 2009. pg 116).

"We are familiar with the lack of charity. We have all felt the critical, negative, carping, nit-picking, fault-finding, and grousing attitude that comes easily to the natural man. Charity does not flow automatically from having and extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other." (Goddard, 2009, pg 119).

 How does one achieve this christ-like charity in our marriages? We do it by not getting annoyed at the little things that our spouse does even though it is not to bug anyone one. We need to find the little things they do to make life better for us. One of the things my husband does for me when I need it is to put essential oils on places of my body that I can't really reach on my own. He makes my life easier by being there for me when I really need it. This past august/september I was hospitalized for 9 days with kidney stones and pnuemonia. He held the house down for me and made sure the kids got up for school, to the bus to go school and home from school. He brought the kids to see me. He helped me get the ministering service I needed from our ward. He did laundry for the children, himself, and for me as well. He made sure the kids stayed alive while I was busy being taken care of in the hospital.

Overcome Gridlock

In the book The Seven Principles to Making Marriage work by Dr. John M. Gottman he gives us advice on gridlock disagreements [all gridlocked disagreements share four characteristics. 1.You've had the same argument again and agai with no resolution. 2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection. 3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out- giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self. ] (pg 237). He goes on to say "A significant key preventing gridlock is to be on the lookout for those small moments where you "miss" each other's needs." (Gottman, 2015, pg237). He emphasize's "The key to ending gridlock is to discuss openly why their position was so important to them, and in particular to open up about the history behind their postion and what it meant to them. We call this sort of discussion the "Dreams Within Conflict" approach to gridlock. It not only helps to defuse the problematic issue but also increases your sense of intimacy and connection." (Gottman, 2015, pg 243). Dr. Gottman gives us steps to Working on a Gridlock Marital Issue Step 1 is Explore the Dreams, 2 is Soothe, 3 is Reach a temporary compromise which has two parts "nonnegotiable areas- These are the aspects of the conflict that you absolutely cannot give on without violating your basic needs or core values. and Areas of flexibility- This category includes all parts of the issue where you can be flexible, because they are not so "hot" for you. Try to make this category as large as possible and the first one as small as possible." (Gottman, 2015, pg 254).

Gridlock doesn't happen when I stop to think how my husband is thinking or feeling instead of myself. Putting him first is hard but I notice when I do I don't have to worry about when disagreements or arguments happen that gridlock is going to get our ways. One thing I have found to help this is to take time to think before I handle the disagreement or argument. Most of the time I want to resolve it right away but it is not helpful when I am still upset because I can't think clearly. I have to remember taking time is not a bad thing and will only help resolve the situation because I can think before I speak. Another thing I found to help is to take time to talk over the stress with my husband and I liked how the magic six hours was described and found it helpful. I plan to implement it in my marriage.

The Magic Six Hours

In the conclusion of the book by Dr. Goddard he says " As we are filled with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, we are inclined to act redemptively. We are less inclined to be irritated and more inclined to be helpful." (Goddard, 2009, pg 144).

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills: Joymap.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books.