Managing Conflict; Consecrating Ourselves

Consecrating our Marriage

What does+ to consecrate mean? In the Oxford dictionary it says  To make or declare (something, typically a church) sacred; dedicate formally to a religious or divine purpose.  "What does the Bible say about consecration?". Answer: In the Bible the word consecration means “the separation of oneself from things that are unclean, especially anything that would contaminate one’s relationship with a perfect God.” Consecration also carries the connotation of sanctification, holiness, or purity.

 We consecrate oil for the healing of the sick and afflicted.

We are told in the endowment to consecrate our time, our talents and everything the lord has blessed us with. This includes our marriage. In our reading the book Drawing Heaven into your Marriage Dr. H. Wallace Goddard says the law of consecration is foreign to the natural man and it appears to such that it is a way for the church to get rich and exercise control over us. He continues and I quote him saying " Those who know God and have experimented with His ways know otherwise. They know that the more they turn their lives over to God, the better their lives become. The ultimate joy is to surrender completely to God. We turn everything over to Him and life gets inexpressibly good." (Goddard, 2009, pg 99). He also says " Rather than carefully tracking every investment in our marriage, we give gladly and wholeheartedly. We give everything we have and are And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more." (Goddard, 2009, pg 107). He later teaches that "those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time." (Goddard, 2009, pg 109).

 One way my hubby and I have found to build sweet memories for our storehouse is to do things together and teach our children the same thing. We watch alot of movies together and build inside jokes and they usually come about after something is said and I find it so funny I laugh so hard he jokes that he or they meaning the kids broke me because I can't stop laughing. Road trips a good time to talk besides our nightly time together after the kids are in bed.

Two kinds of Marital Conflict

 For the most part we enjoy spending time together but there are times that we get annoyed by each other and this is usually when I notice the two types of conflict in my marriage come out.

 

 In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr, John M. Gottman he says there are two kinds of marital conflict and neither is indicative of divorce. One is perpetual problems and the other is solveable problems.

Perpetual Problems

 

 Dr. Gottman says "In unstable marriages, perpetual problems eventually kill the relationship. Instead of coping with the problem effectively the couple get gridlocked over it." (Gottman, 2015, pg 140).

This quote from the book would be true to what happened in my first marriage. I have since learned not to get gridlocked with my hubby and we always work things out that perpetual problems aren't the biggest problem.

 Signs of Gridlock 

 

  Dr. Gottman gives the Signs of Gridlock

• The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
• You keep talking about it but make no headway.
• You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge.
• When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt. 
• Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor amusement, or affection.
• You become even more "unbudgeable" over time, which leads you to vilify each other during conversations. 
• This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your views, and all the less willing to compromise. 
• Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.

Solvable problems

 Dr. Gottman gives us in this section the steps to take how to handle a disagreement.
"1. make sure your start-up is soft rather than harsh, 2. learn the effective use of repair attempts,
3. monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding, 4. learn how to compromise, and 5. become more tolerant of each other's imperfections." (Gottman, 2015, pg 142).

 Managing Conflict

He gives us keys to managing conflict they are Negative emotions are important, NO one is right, acceptance is crucial, and focus on fondess and admiration.

Resolving Conflict 

 Dr. Gottman teaches us in chapter 9 of this book Principle 5 Solve your solvable problems. He gives us a model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship (1. soften yourt start-up, 2. learn to make and recieve repair attempts, 3. soothe yourself and each other, 4. compromise, and 5. Process any grievances so that they don't linger." (Gottman, 2015, pg 161). He states that "taking responsibility is a critical component of a softened start-up no matter whom your addressing." (Gottman, 2015, pg 164). He goes and says "The best start up has four parts 1. I share some responsibility for this..., 2 here's how I feel...., 3. about a specific situation and...., and 4. here's what I need.... (positive need, not what you don't need.)" (Gottmann, 2015, pg 165).

I noticed I need lots of practice with the soft start-up and this book gives ideas of what to say and suggestions of putting copies of pgs 176-178 on your fridge or something where you will see them and be reminded of what to say when you get in an fight with your spouse. I also noticed I need practice soothing myself before approaching my husband over conflicts which I want fixed right away but not usually in the right frame of mind to fix them because of the high emotions racing through my body.

I loved the quote from Dr. Gottman on compromise he says " Compromise is not about just one person changing. It's about negotiating and finding ways to accomodate each other. You will not be able to compromise successfully if you don't accept your partner's flaws and foibles." (Gottman, 2015, pg 184).

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills: Joymap.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books.