Inlaw relationships
Cleave unto Our Spouses
Genesis 2:24 Says "therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife." Who has not understood this word their entire lifes. The english dictionary defines the word pretty clearly in two different ways one is not what the lord means and the other is. It means to adhere closely, stick or cling to. or to remain faithful to.
In Helping and Healing Our Families James Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen quote "Elder Marvin J. Ashton remind us that in cleaving to a spouse, married children should be faithful and supportive to their spouses, but not forget their parents." (Harper, Olsen, 2005, pg 327).
They go on to remark that [President Kimball identified some important points regarding family relationships. First, married children should confide in and counsel with their spouses. Second, if possible, they should establish their own household separate from their parents. Finally, any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.] (Harper, Olsen, 2005, pg 328).
Create A Marital Identity
James Harper and Susanne Olsen give this advice "The husband needs to realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain that his wife feels secure wit him is the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and his mother develop a quality relationship." (Harper, Olsen, 2005, pg 328).
Enmeshment, Closeness and Triangulation
They go on to talk about these three things and give great descriptions on what that means for couples. First they discuss Enmeshment saying "it describes a process in which parents and children feel they always have a to be together; to not be so is considered a personal affront. When enmeshment exists, it is difficult for family members to separate feelings, and loyalty issues are distorted." (Harper, Olsen, 2005, pg 329).
Second they say "Closeness, on the other hand, is different from enmeshment. Parents who are secure in their relationshipss with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present." (Harper, Olsen, 2005, pg 329).
Thirdly is "Triangulation is created when communication either builds a stronger relationship with the parent than with the spouse, or excludes the spouse." (Harper, Olsen, 2005, pg 330).
Accepting Differences
In my opinion there are no two families exactly the same and Harper and Olsen drive this home when they give their advice on how to handle the differences that will come into our marriages. "Marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a challenge. Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with differences." (Harper, Olsen, 2005, pg 330).
I was married to someone at the age of 22 and his parents were inlaws from the devil. The most judgemental people I know and my exhusband and I would argue all the time and without fail after our disagreements, fights, arguements or whatever you want to call them I would either get a phone call or a knock at the door with his dad on the end of the line. He was there to bitch me out for arguing with his son. It was maddening. Anyway I am greatful now to have amazing in laws or are accepting of anyone no matter their situations. They love, support and want us to be around but they are not intrusive by any means. They love when we come around for visits but don't get upset if we can't make family gatherings. Its night and day difference between the two sets of in laws and I also by being around my husbands parents I can see why he is the way he is and alot of things make more sense to me and make it easier to sort through how to handle him.
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